The television is blaring. You went to all the trouble to get
off work a little early so you could stop by and see your
father, and now he won't even turn down the TV. He stares at the
screen and ignores your attempts at conversation or answers you
with a curt "Uh-huh" or "Huh-uh." Finally, to your amazement and
confusion, he gives you a disgusted look, gets up, and storms
out of the room.
What's going on here? Communication has broken down, and you
need to figure out why.
First, consider that your dad might have a hearing problem.
Hearing is a complex function that involves a number of
abilities. The mechanics of the ear have to work correctly, or
Dad's not going to catch all that you're saying.
Then his brain has to be able to understand and interpret
your words. This is known as receptive language.
He also needs to be able to use expressive language: he has
to be able to call up the words he needs to use when he needs to
use them.
Finally, the mechanics that enable speech must be working
properly for him to speak those words in an intelligible manner.
There may be breakdowns at any point here, and they can be
brought about by any number of events. Sometimes it's very clear
after a person has had a stroke that her ability to converse has
been severely impaired. However, a gradual loss of hearing may
go unnoticed.
Then, too, the mechanics may be working fine but there is --
or always has been -- a problem when it comes to the two of you
talking with each other. Why? Perhaps a basic personality clash.
Perhaps a history of miscommunication or misunderstanding that
goes back decades.
In any case, as you well know, communication is a critical
skill for all caregivers. Your goal is to express an idea
clearly with understandable words while, at the same time,
saying it with compassion and respect.
These are suggestions to make communication with your parent
easier:
--Be sure to face Dad when you're talking to him. Speak
slowly. It may take him a little longer to come up with the
right word. Don't jump in and finish his sentences for him.
--Identify the problem. Begin by asking questions with only
yes or no answers. Then ask questions that can't be answered
with yes or no. Take note of how your parent responds. This will
give you a better idea of your parent's cognitive abilities.
--Don't try to communicate when you're angry.
--Don't get distracted with unimportant details. Keep
communication simple.
--Plan what you will say. Not just the concept, but the
words, too. This will help you hear what your parent is going to
hear.
--Remember that if the time comes when verbal communication
is no longer possible, touch can be a form of communication.
--If your parent has a form of dementia, learn from the
experts. Research the field for help in communicating with a
person who has dementia. For example, if you make a statement
and don't get a response, it might be best to repeat the
statement exactly instead of paraphrasing it. Your parent may be
taking time to process a response, and a paraphrase will seem
like a whole new thought.
--Try to be patient. Remember that even in a world of cell
phones, microwave meals, instant replays, and the Internet, some
things still can't be rushed. Conversing with your parent can
give you a much needed opportunity to slow down, take a deep
breath, and remember, once again, what's really important in
life.