If you're a member of the "sandwich generation," if you're
taking care of your aging parent as well as your children, it's
hard to shake the feeling that if you focus on one generation
you're losing sight of the needs of the other.
It can help to remember – to realize – that your taking care
of your parent is good for your children, too. How so?
You're right that your kids also make a sacrifice because you
can't be around as much as the they would like you to be and,
most likely, they have to do more – become more responsible –
because you can't be there. (Maybe they have to make their own
lunch to take to school. Or you can't be a chaperone at some
school event even though you were able to do that a year or so
ago.)
Yes, in some ways a child is being deprived of what a parent
might be able to give if he or she didn't have caregiving
obligations to an older family member (or to a spouse who is ill
or to a child with special needs) but – from another perspective
–Mom or Dad is giving something to that child or those children
that he or she otherwise couldn't give. We mean a front-row view
of love in action without any possibility of mistaking the
unchangeable fact that true love demands service and sacrifice.
Still . . . it can be a lot to put on little shoulders. All
they may see at first glance is that Mom or Dad isn't there (or
is there but is exhausted from caregiving and holding down a
job) and they miss not just what that parent does for them (nice
meals, rides to practice and so on) but also that person himself
or herself. They miss time spent together. With that in mind,
here are a few suggestions if you're taking care of an aging
parent and your children:
--Talk about caregiving at a time when neither you nor your
child are tired and emotions are not running high.
--Do something special with each child, one-on one.
--Explain what it's like to be a care-receiver, how it can be
hard to accept help. Talk about why you're taking care of
Grandpa or Grandma and explain – in an age-appropriate way –what
his or condition is.
--Work at establishing a link between your children and your
parent. Let them have some time together.
--Remember children can, in small ways, help with caregiving,
too.
--Teach what respectful care means and explain the difference
between "dignity" and "dignified." Yes, at times, a situation
may be less than "dignified" but a person must be treated with
dignity.
--Remember to thank the child for making sacrifices and for
helping you help your mother or father.