Praying as a Caregiver

     It’s not surprising that an aging parent and an adult child can be drawn together toward prayer. Still, praying can feel awkward if it hasn’t been a central part of your parent’s life or your life. Just the thought of praying can make you feel uncomfortable. Even if you’re accustomed to praying, it’s likely that prayer with your parent won’t come easily. Where to begin?

     Prayer has been defined as lifting the mind and the heart to God. That’s easier to do when your mind is filled with concern for a loved one. Praying isn’t complicated. There are no formulas that have to be followed. "Thee" and "thou" aren’t necessary. Praying is telling God: "This is what’s on my mind." "This is why my heart is aching." "This is what I’m so grateful for." It’s turning to the One who created your parent, to the One who loves your parent even more than you do, and asking for help, for comfort, for strength.

     Your prayers may change as your parent’s condition goes through stages. The focus of your prayers may shift. For a time it may be "Heal Mom." And that might happen. At another time it may become "Yes, I know she’s going to die, but just not now. Please. Later." And you may reach a point in your prayers when you say to God, "Let her go peacefully. When it’s her time, let her go and welcome her into heaven."

     There may also be periods when what is happening is so overwhelming—so frightening, so awful—that your own words just won’t come. Many adult children in that situation have discovered that silently repeating the prayers they learned as children—the Our Father, the Hail Mary—can bring comfort. Some who haven’t said the rosary for years are surprised to find that it can be especially helpful.

     If your parent wants to pray out loud with you, then saying those same childhood prayers—an Our Father, a Hail Mary, or a rosary—can be a good place to begin. If you are worried about coming up with the "right" words or avoiding the "wrong" ones, you can find prayers on audiotape or CD at Catholic bookstores. Your parent may surprise you with the number of prayers and hymns he or she remembers. It’s not uncommon that someone with significant short-term memory loss can easily, and happily, recall what he or she memorized as a child.

     A personal shared prayer doesn’t have to be long or complicated: "Heavenly Father, bless Dad and me. Thank you for letting us be a part of each other’s lives. Give us strength for whatever lies ahead." Even if your family has never been the touchy-feely type, holding hands with your parent as you pray may feel right, and may be very comforting, for both of you. Read Scripture together. Try something from one of the Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John. They’re filled with Jesus’ words of love.

     There may be times when it helps to pray privately in silent prayer. Hold Mom’s hand or sit beside Dad’s bed as he sleeps, and silently tell God what you’re thinking and what you’re feeling. Ask for God’s comfort and encouragement.

     What if your parent wants to pray together and you don’t want to? Do it anyway. It probably means a lot to your parent. And later, after your mother or father is gone, having done it may mean a lot to you. Are you being hypocritical if you turn to prayer now? No. Just the opposite. You’re being true to how you feel.

     In Catholic tradition there are three expressions of prayer: vocal prayer, meditation, and contemplative prayer. Vocal prayer combines body and soul: we express outwardly the interior prayers of the heart. Saying the Our Father is an example of vocal prayer. Meditation uses thought, imagination, emotion, and desire. It is the meeting of our faith and the reality of our own life. Contemplative prayer expresses the true mystery of prayer. It is a most intimate relationship with God achieved through a faith-filled gaze, attentiveness, and silent love.