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Your Parent's Grief
To grieve after the death of a loved one
doesn't mean experiencing a single emotion. Grief involves a host of
feelings.
It's commonly accepted there's a "cycle
of grief." There are pieces or periods of the grieving process.
But those pieces, those periods, don't necessarily follow a set
pattern or stick to a particular time frame. Even after going through
one part, the griever may—time and again—return to that aspect of
grief. How one grieves, just as how one lives and how one loves, is
unique for each individual.
With that in mind, it sometimes helps to
understand that within the cycle there are four sections:
● Shock and denial. Mom can't believe
this has happened. She hopes perhaps it's all only a bad dream. She
feels confused. Later, she may not remember some of the things she
said or did.
● Anger and guilt. Dad is mad at Mom
for dying and leaving him. Mad at God. Mad at the doctor or hospital
staff. At the same time he feels guilty. "I should have . . .
." "If only I had . . . ." Then, too, if death followed
a chronic illness, he may feel even worse because a part of him may be
glad the ordeal is over. He feels guilty because sometimes, in the
middle of being a caregiver, he looked forward to the day he could
rest.
At this stage in Dad's grief, others around
him may seem so stupid. Their concerns so petty.
● Depression. Mom realizes there's no
satisfactory answer to truly explain what has happened. She feels so
lonely. She's so tired.
● Adjustment or acceptance. One day,
Dad may notice he's getting on with his own life. He's starting to
return to his normal activities. At times this brings feelings of
disloyalty to Mom. Somehow his moving on is a betrayal. But he knows
"it’s time to move on."
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a pioneer in
bereavement ministry and author of "On Death and Dying,"
adds one more section. In the middle she includes bargaining. If Mom
promises to be very good, no one else she loves will die. If she vows
to be perfect, maybe all of this is some kind of mix-up or mistake and
Dad isn't really dead.
What can you expect from your parent if he or
she is grieving? (Or if you're going through grief?) It is an
extremely stressful time. That wide, multi-layered range of emotions
can be constantly shifting.
Your parent's anger, loneliness, sense of
loss and even physical pain can be triggered by any number of things.
By realizing "his" favorite television program is about to
start. By even thinking about attending Sunday Mass without her. (Many
a widow or widower finds it extremely difficult to go to
"their" Sunday Mass alone.) By seeing an item in the
newspaper that would have amused him. By coming up on a Christmas, a
birthday, an anniversary without her.
By catching a whiff of Old Spice aftershave.
By smelling bacon cooking. By holding her hair brush or his hammer. By
hearing "their" song played on the radio. By so many things
your parent sees or hears or touches or tastes or feels.
In grief's early stages it's not uncommon to
feel anxious and vulnerable. To feel ill. There may be a tightness in
the chest and throat. Headaches. Fatigue. Stomach problems.
Mom may not be able to eat. May not be able
to sleep or can't seem to do anything but sleep. May not be able to
stop crying. May worry that she's going crazy.
Dad may withdraw socially. He may want to be
alone, or he may become more dependent on another family member.
What can you do to help your parent if he or
she is grieving? (What can you do to help yourself?) These are some
points to consider:
● How each person grieves is unique.
Mom shouldn't compare how she grieves, or feels the need to grieve,
with anyone else's method. The best way for her is whatever works best
for her.
● Dad should avoid making any major
changes right away. For example, selling the house or moving to
another part of the country.
● Mom needs to take care of herself. To
eat properly and get enough sleep, even if she doesn't feel like doing
either. It may help if, under a doctor’s care, she takes medication
for a time. Be sure to watch for signs of "self-medicating"
using alcohol.
● It may help if Dad "works"
on his grief. If, when a feeling surfaces, he doesn't automatically
push it aside. To let himself cry when he feels the need to cry, to
get angry when he feels mad and so on.
● This can be an incredibly spiritual
time in his or her life. And in yours. Encourage your parent to turn
to God.
● Mom may want to consider taking
advantage of whatever bereavement ministry her parish or diocese might
offer.
● Dad may want to look into taking part
in a support group. There are many groups out there, each with its own
"personality." If one doesn't seem right, he could think
about checking out another.
● Your parent may benefit from
professional counseling. A therapist or grief minister can't take away
the pain but may help make it more bearable. May help make it easier
for your parent to understand why he or she has all those jumbled
feelings. Watch for signs of depression and/or suicide and get help if
needed.
● Encourage Mom, when the time is
right, to consider having her own ritual for saying good-bye to Dad.
Maybe it’s visiting the grave site alone. Maybe writing a letter to
him, or doing whatever it is that fits her, that fits them, best.
It shouldn't be surprising she feels a need
for a private and personal memorial. The relationship the two of them
shared was one-of-a-kind, too. It is irreplaceable.
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