Dear Friends
January 2014
Week of January 27, 2014
Prayer Requests
When You're Married
to the Caregiver
Dear Friends,
Yes, the Valentine's Day candy, cards and assorted other gifts have been on display in stores for more than a month now but . . . February 14 will get here. Eventually. (Easter candy gets stocked on shelves early February 15.) So this week, only half a month ahead of Valentine's Day, we thought we'd highlight a Topic/Flier titled "When You're Married to the Caregiver."
This is how it begins:
If you’re the husband or wife of an
adult child who is taking care of an aging parent, it can seem that
no matter what you say or do, it’s the wrong thing.
Suddenly you may find yourself an
outsider as the immediate family circle closes ranks.
You may feel tremendously frustrated
about your powerlessness: You cannot make everything all right; you
cannot stop the pain your spouse is feeling.
Here are a few points to consider, a
few suggestions, that may make this time easier:
You can read more here.
- - -
Again this week we cordially invite you to join the Friends of St. John the Caregiver! (FSJC's programs include YourAgingParent.com and CatholicCaregivers.com.) You can find out more about becoming a member here.
No meetings, no dues. All we ask is that you pray for caregivers and those receiving care. Our members include caregivers, care-receivers, and those who support both (including quite a few former caregivers).
You can:
sign up on-line here
or call us toll-free at 1-800-392-JOHN (5646)
or
print and mail an application form.
God bless you!
Bill
Week of January 20, 2014
Prayer Requests
Your Dream, God's Will
Dear Friends,
This week's celebration of Martin Luther King Jr. Day will include a lot of references to his famous "I Have a Dream" speech. It's not unusual for caregivers to admit they, too, had dreams. And when they imagined what their lives would be like it didn't include being a caregiver. It wasn't a life like this.
In some cases, they had reached their dream. A good job and a lovely apartment in a new location. But now caring for Mom or Dad has meant resigning and moving back to the family home.
Or, after both husband and wife worked so hard and so long to ensure a secure and comfortable retirement, one became chronically or terminally ill. Now those plans of extended trips abroad, carefree days at home, and all the rest, are gone.
This was your life, these were your dreams before the stroke. The car accident. The diagnosis. Each caregiver's story is the same while, at the same time, each one's story is unique.
Many times, in many ways, the end of the dream and the acceptance of this new reality includes more than "just" caring for your loved one. It includes grief.
You grieve for what might have been. What now won't be. More time with a healthy loved one, the two of you fulfilling those wonderful dreams and discovering new ones. You grieve and your loved one grieves. You worry for your care-receiver. And your care-receiver worries for you.
And where is God in this? How is this, how can this possibly be, "God's will"?
Caregiving can make it tough to say the Our Father. One line seems to stick in the throat: "Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven."
It was tough for Jesus, too. On the evening of his arrest, the night before his torture and execution, he told his Father he didn't want that. He made it clear.
After withdrawing about a stone’s throw from them and kneeling, he prayed, saying, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done." And to strengthen him an angel from heaven appeared to him. He was in such agony and he prayed so fervently that his sweat became like drops of blood falling on the ground. (Luke 22:41-44)
Even after he prayed, even after an angel appeared, "he was in such agony."
Yes, illnesses, accidents, and death are a part of life but . . . Why your mom, your husband, your little girl or boy? Why her? Why him? Why you? Why now!
"God's will" is the answer but so often, maybe most of the time, it's far from satisfying.
Sometimes faith is as far from a warm, fuzzy feeling as it could possibly be. Sometimes faith is a choice. A decision. An action. The theological virtue of faith is God-given. When, how and even if we use it is up to us.
God gives us free will, to accept or reject his will. But accepting it doesn't necessarily mean understanding it. Or liking it. We, too, can be in "such agony."
You remain in my prayers.
- - -
This week we're so pleased to welcome George B. of Maryland as the newest member of the Friends of St. John the Caregiver. Please keep him and his intentions in your prayers. He has promised to pray for you and yours.
And again this week we cordially invite you to join the Friends of St. John the Caregiver! (FSJC's programs include YourAgingParent.com and CatholicCaregivers.com.) You can find out more about becoming a member here.
No meetings, no dues. All we ask is that you pray for caregivers and those receiving care. Our members include caregivers, care-receivers, and those who support both (including quite a few former caregivers).
You can:
sign up on-line here
or call us toll-free at 1-800-392-JOHN (5646)
or
print and mail an application form.
God bless you!
Bill
Week of January 13, 2014
Prayer Requests
Sometimes God Seems
to Overestimate Us
Dear Friends,
Maybe some well-meaning people have said this to you, referring to your role as a caregiver: "God never gives us more than we can handle." I heard that more than a few times over the past year, since Monica's death.
Somewhere along the line I realized my unspoken response was "Yes, but sometimes he seems to overestimate."
I suspect that, as a caregiver, at times you've thought "Dear Lord, this is just too much! This is way beyond what I can do."
Yes, God has asked you to help your loved one. Yes, with faith and love, you've responded. But . . .
At some point, it may truly be too much for you to do. And perhaps when that thought flits through your mind, a feeling of guilt comes flooding in.
That's understandable, but that sense of guilt is unwarranted.
The truth is it's not uncommon that at some point a primary caregiver has to step back. Here's what our flier, "Dealing with Caregiver's Guilt," says about that:
Remember you can set limits. As Mom’s
health continues to fail, she’s going to need more
and more attention, but that does not mean you will
be able to continue to match that need. Permit
yourself to say, "I can’t do that."
You can read more here.
These might be helpful, too:
The list of fliers is here. You may notice the last update was in March 2012. That was around the time we found out Monica had at most a year to live. I'm just now getting back into the swing of things with fliers and Topics. (And I feel a little guilty that it's taken me so long. I have to follow my own advice and be patient . . . with myself!)
- - -
Again this week we cordially invite you to join the Friends of St. John the Caregiver! (FSJC's programs include YourAgingParent.com and CatholicCaregivers.com.) You can find out more about becoming a member here.
No meetings, no dues. All we ask is that you pray for caregivers and those receiving care. Our members include caregivers, care-receivers, and those who support both (including quite a few former caregivers).
You can:
sign up on-line here
or call us toll-free at 1-800-392-JOHN (5646)
or
print and mail an application form.
God bless you!
Bill
Week of January 6, 2014
Prayer Requests
Prayers for Families
Facing Brutal Winter Weather
Dear Friends,
This week the news in Canada and the United States is the brutal weather blanketing those countries. And among the many families being affected are countless caregivers and their loved ones.
I think back on my caring for Monica when I see the news reports
of the harsh winter conditions of this week. What would I have done,
what would we have done, if our electricity had gone off? If it took
the furnace with it, as it would have. If that lack of power made
her oxygen machine useless. There were five tanks of oxygen in the
front hall closet. Each useful for two hours. Ten hours, and then .
. . ?
Obviously, it would have meant a hasty move to a friend or relative
whose home had both power and heat. (And lugging that oxygen machine
with us.)
When we began the Friends of St. John the Caregiver in 2005 we carefully considered what we would ask of its members. (Monica immediately said, "No dues." I said, "No meetings.") What we decided on was asking members to pray for caregivers and those receiving care.
Since then we've received a tremendous number of prayer requests. And, we both know (Monica knows in heaven, and I know on earth), that only God knows how many prayers members have said over the past eight years.
The two of us also know what a difference those prayers make. Many, many members were praying for us and our family during Monica's illness. And since her death one year ago today, they've prayed for her soul and for her grieving loved ones still on earth. As I've written before, thank you so very much for those prayers.
This week please remember in your prayers all those affected by this huge winter storm, and especially family caregivers and those in their care.
- - -
And again this week we cordially invite you to join the Friends of St. John the Caregiver! (FSJC's programs include YourAgingParent.com and CatholicCaregivers.com.) You can find out more about becoming a member here.
No meetings, no dues. All we ask is that you pray for caregivers and those receiving care. Our members include caregivers, care-receivers, and those who support both (including quite a few former caregivers).
You can:
sign up on-line here
or call us toll-free at 1-800-392-JOHN (5646)
or
print and mail an application form.
God bless you!
Bill