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Choosing the Best Solution

     It's not unusual for an adult child taking care of an aging parent to discover that an unexpected problem is all the number of possible solutions.

     After looking carefully at your parent's needs and the various ways to meet those needs, it may become clear there is no single right choice. There may be many choices, each with merit.

     So which is best for Mom or Dad? How can you be sure you and your parent are making the right decision?

     The following are basic principles used when assisting an elderly person. It can help a family to consider each when trying to reach a decision.

     ● You're dealing with a whole person, not simply one or two particular problems. It doesn't mean Mom is doing well just because she has a safe place to live and is eating all right.

     For example, what about her health in general? Is she getting the proper care?

     What about her need to get out and socialize? Does she have the opportunity to be a part of the community?

     What about her spiritual needs? Can she get to Mass? Does she still feel as if she's part of the parish?

     ● An elderly person still has the right to be treated with dignity and respect. A solution should not humiliate or embarrass Mom or Dad. Your parent's privacy should continue to be respected.

     ● Your parent is an individual. Avoid any "cookie-cutter" approaches. Just because one particular choice worked best for your neighbor's aging parent doesn't automatically mean the same will be best for yours. Just because one solution was the best fit for Dad five years ago doesn't automatically make it right for Mom today.

     It's so easy for a family to fall into the trap of thinking, "This is how we did it with Grandma, so this must be how we need to do it with Mom." Yes, it may be the best way but then again, it may not.

     To use another comparison, the best-fitting solutions, like the best-fitting suits, are tailor-made, not bought off the rack or hand-me-downs.

     ● It's important your father is involved in the decision making and that means keeping him informed when information is being gathered. He should participate in the entire process.

     It also means there are no secrets. It is not uncommon for a family to want to hide or disguise the cost of a particular service (home care, for example) because Dad won't like it. Invariably, keeping secrets, withholding information, or telling little white lies backfires.

     ● Closely related to that participation, is self-determination. This means that, even if you strongly disagree with Mom, she maintains the right to make her own decisions.

     There are exceptions when intervention is necessary, such as significant dementia or attempted suicide, but remember the exceptions are rare, not the norm. Just because you don't like your Mom's choice doesn't mean she no longer has the right to make that choice.

     Perhaps no solution will perfectly match all the principles, but often the best choice for your parent is the one that comes closest.

 

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