Anger
At times, anger can be a dominant emotion in
the aging parent-adult child relationship for many reasons. Reasons
that would be easier to identify and understand if both people weren't
already so drained, both physically and emotionally.
From your mother's point of view, there have
been so many changes, so many losses, her life seems out of control.
Dad can feel angry because he thinks you owe
him something in return for all his years of parenting and he may not
think he's getting a fair shake.
From your point of view, you're angry at
what's happening to your mother or father whose health continues to
deteriorate. You want to reverse it, or at least stop it, but you
can't. You don't want to become the "parent." You may, at
times, want to ignore the whole situation.
You might be mad at Dad for getting old. Mad
at Mom for fighting you when you try to help. Mad at health-care
professionals who may be doing their job all right but don't seem to
understand that this is your parent and that makes it
different. Mad at your siblings who seem to be doing nothing or doing
only the wrong things. And mad at God when you can't see what the
point to all this is and you lay the blame on him.
Perhaps, after helping your parent, you come
home and your spouse and children express resentment that you're
spending so much time with Grandma or Grandpa and you just don't have
any energy left. You've used up all your patience. At work, at home,
and out in public, the slightest problem makes you clench your teeth
and seethe.
Identifying why you and your parent are
having these feelings can be an important first step. It may also help
you as a caregiver if you:
● Remember Mom or Dad is not
necessarily mad at you. You may simply be the target because you're
there or because you make her or make him face all those fears head
on.
● Try to find some time for yourself.
Look for a support group or good friend where you can "dump"
some of that anger.
● Forgive yourself.
● Keep in mind that, just as in your
relationship with your spouse and children, getting angry with your
parent doesn't mean you don't love him or her.
● Go back and apologize. Don't let
guilt over that anger eat you up. You can start over again.
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